Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.