love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”