love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
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A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?