Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Spoiler Alert: I was late

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.