Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
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Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri