Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

a god among men

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.