Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Ain’t no way

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.