*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
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Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Its true…
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You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
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🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man