*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Guys, I found it.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June