Love is always patient and kind.
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
ouch
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Care for your back
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.