Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

ㅤ

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Haha! 😂

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.