Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos