Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone