Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

wow he looks just like him

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Where’s my employee discount too?

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.