Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
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I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]