Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
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pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Uh oh 👀
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Need this in my life lol
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator