Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*