Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
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Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
