Love is in the air fryer.
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I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
it’s the silliest best thing
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
i love meeting boys on tinder
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me