Love is in the air fryer.
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I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Got him!
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake