Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Lucky old June.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I have a type: disappointing
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them