Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day