Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
You Might Also Like
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
This made me smile…
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them