love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.