Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

me hitting on a model

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father