love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Rooting for the overdog
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…