Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
You Might Also Like
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.