@SamuelHLowe

Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

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@catlikethiefx0

The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.

@nayele18maybe

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

@michaeljhudson

I flip off the rollercoaster camera, then buy a mug with the picture on it, ride it again, flip off the camera again while sipping my mug

@amydillon

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@Qrabion

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

@LindseyEllison2

I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

@_steamy_mac

I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.

@FuckabillyRex

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.