Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
this is the greatest thing ever
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.