Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.