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Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped