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In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Intelligence is the new cleavage
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?