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Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it