Love it! 👍😂
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.