Love it! 👍😂
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tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
car not found
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”