Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
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“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Who.
Did.
This?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*looks at you in batman voice*
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
lmao
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes