Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

She might be a genius

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart