Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Dear Lord..

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.