Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

Dear Lord..

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.