Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
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It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.