Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

I think this should do it.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break