Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*