Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?