love it when they get my name right
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
6. me as a lawyer
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird