love it when they get my name right
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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain