love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Rambo Rambow
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.