love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.