love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
![]()
You Might Also Like
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
🤯🤯🤯
![]()
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“We will wed,” I threatened
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
as is their right
![]()
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food