love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You Might Also Like
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.