Love it! 👍😂
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A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
This is me
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough