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Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If you’re testing me, we failed.