Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
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30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.