Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
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*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
The asteroid..
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
adding to the discourse
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I think they could have phrased this better
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement