[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
