[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I march to the beat of my own dumb
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Mountain Goat : )
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.