[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
You Might Also Like
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I love you…
…r dog.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.