[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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set yourself free xox
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family