[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Got him!
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
idk what he going thru but i feel him
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t