Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯