“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
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Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Look at this
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
normalize having existential bread
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
