Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
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SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
the world’s most popular steaming services
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.