Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
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my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Ok cat haters, explain this…
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.