Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
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Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.