Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Thank heavens for community notes
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.