Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I have more photos of sandwiches on my phone than I do of my children
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.