Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.