Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok