love pickles so much i put myself in one
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A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Solving a traffic jam
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.