love pickles so much i put myself in one
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“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
Introverted vegans go meetless
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Overindulged this afternoon.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for