love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
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Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me trying to look natural in photos
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”