Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

Me irl

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard