Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That 👊

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

From Facebook just now…

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell