Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
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You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
Me irl
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.