@JKNenagh

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

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@lincnotfound

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

@georgehawleyUA

I was annoyed that a book I needed was checked out from the library, and had been for a long time. I finally got fed up and bought a copy online. Organizing my office a bit this morning I realized that I was the one who checked it out from the library.

@TheAlexNevil

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

@MarfSalvador

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

@UnFitz

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

@rebrafsim

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

@Sassafrantz

Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…

Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.

Gynecologist: Um, your legs

@Parkerlawyer

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen