@lincnotfound
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
@JKNenagh
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
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@lincnotfound
@AmishPornStar1
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
@georgehawleyUA
I was annoyed that a book I needed was checked out from the library, and had been for a long time. I finally got fed up and bought a copy online. Organizing my office a bit this morning I realized that I was the one who checked it out from the library.
@TheAlexNevil
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
@MarfSalvador
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
@UnFitz
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
@English_Channel
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
@rebrafsim
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
@Sassafrantz
Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…
Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.
Gynecologist: Um, your legs
@Parkerlawyer
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen