@iMikosnyc: Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let's do this!!!

@chuuew: Cop: Admit it! You killed that family Murderer: You can't prove anything... Cop: You know, you're actually called "Murderer" in this thing

@Parentpains: Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

@Thedudish: It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

@PhilJamesson: Waiter: And how would you like your steak? Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: ... umm... flavor blasted?