society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
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How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I was annoyed that a book I needed was checked out from the library, and had been for a long time. I finally got fed up and bought a copy online. Organizing my office a bit this morning I realized that I was the one who checked it out from the library.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…
Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.
Gynecologist: Um, your legs
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen