Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
🧠
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs