Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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Yup….perfect score!
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food