Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
This why you should mind your business
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”