Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
A drum solo but on your face.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…