Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Well, that should do it
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My blood type is b hungry.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”