Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.